Goop At Sea: All aboard Gwyneth Paltrow’s £5,000 wellness cruise
here truly is a cruise for every predilection. If you find wearing clothes an inconvenience, the Bare Necessities Big Nude Boat will float your, well, boat. Cat freaks might try the Meow meow cruise, while the Backstreet Boys’ four-day Caribbean tour was described by the guys themselves as “debauchery”. But, if your idea of a good time includes a vaginal steamer followed by a coffee enema colon cleanse, then Goop at Sea might be the cruise for you.
After its maiden voyage around the Caribbean last year, the Goop Cruise arrives as it sets sail for the crystal clear waters of the Mediterranean (stopping in Provence, Florence, Sicily and Rome en route). The news was announced by Captain Gwyneth Paltrow herself. “Want to join me with some of my favorite practitioners on the Italian Riviera and in France?” she asked her 7.9 million Instagram followers. “I am delighted to present goop at Sea. We will be hosting exclusive workshops led by Goop during a 9 day cruise.
GP has been appointed Wellness Advisor for Celebrity Cruises and will commandeer its new state-of-the-art Celebrity Beyond ship to take Goop to the high seas this fall. His mission ? Organizing “exclusive holistic wellness programming and products” to make cruising “even more restorative”.
The nine-night trip will depart from Barcelona in September and you can be on board for just £5,000. A relative bargain, given that tickets to Goop’s one-day Wellness Summits cost upwards of £1,000 (the 2019 London Summit Weekend Package was priced at £4,500).
So what to expect from the purveyor of fanny candles, 24k gold dildos and psychic vampire repellent? Water. “I love being on the water, I love being by the water, and I love being in the water,” the actress said of Goop at Sea. “I think, energetically, it’s very purifying to be near the sea or in the sea.” A good start then.
To aid Goop enthusiasts in their quest for water-based energy healing, the liner has an “innovative, outward-facing design, taking advantage of endless ocean views and breathtaking vistas” ( code for “large windows”). Goop attendees will also have the run from The Retreat, a new luxury space designed by interiors doyen Kelly Hoppen with a private Daniel Boulud restaurant and exclusive terrace – the kind where pool attendants bring you water ice cream and scented towels at your lounge chair.
There will also be an audience with the High Priestess of Welfare herself. Shipmates on last year’s cruise were disappointed to find GP wasn’t actually on board and instead had to settle for a welcome message on their stateroom TV. This time, Gwyneth will be there in tanned, glowing flesh to conduct a live interview with a wellness expert and answer questions from the audience. “Did you also develop a yeast infection from using your jade yoni egg?” maybe a.
GP has also created a personalized detox smoothie, there will be a selection of Goop’s signature skincare products, including GOOPGLOW and GOOPGENES, available to purchase and a curated collection of on-demand wellness classes at cabin televisions.
But wait, there’s more. The days will be filled with expert-led, interactive sessions focused on “Improving Mind, Body and Soul”. Details so far are sparse, but – if the Goop wellness peaks are anything to go by – here’s hoping for crystal readings, breathwork workshops and meditation sessions. It would be best if GP quit bee venom therapy (she claimed getting stung by bees helped her “completely” clear up an old injury) and return to group masturbation on dry land. Although it depends on what you like.
Gwyneth will be joined on the cruise by Kiki Koroshetz, vice president of content for Goop, who leads the Women in Wellness program on board. She is, she says, “focused on the intersection of exploration and wellness” and is “lucky to bring brilliant experts and teachers on board, literally, and this new adventure – a blend of discovery and catering – will be a very unique experience”.
Elsewhere away from the Goopness, guests will be able to sign up for calorie-busting F45 classes and use the spa which features a list of facilities so high-tech it looks more like one of Elon’s new projects. Musk. Passengers can enjoy an MLX i3Dome, Quartz 4DWell massage beds and Ideal Image® Ocean – oh, and Peloton bikes.
Goop Cruises is the latest pillar of Gwyneth’s $250 million wellness empire. What started as a newsletter of recommendations in 2008 while she was living in London with then Coldplay husband Chris Martin (you have to pass the time somehow) has turned into a website , an e-commerce site, a podcast, a netflix series, a live events company and now a travel mega-brand. With wellness tourism estimated at $816 billion this year, the smart money is next in a Goop hotel.
As GP says: “We are here once, once. How can we really, like, get the shit out of this?